How Low Can You Go? The Cheaper Divorce!

When thinking of the costs of Divorce, you can very quickly draw an analogy to war, right? 

Conflict left unmanaged, or managed incorrectly, coupled with poor communication and manipulation along with fearmongering, are the perfect ingredients to incite war.

No war is cheap to any economy, and we go to war because of unresolved conflict and differences. So we do the counter-intuitive thing and decide to kill and maim to achieve peace, all for some forced outcome where nobody wins.

Well, except for the parties that profit from war. It is in their interest to keep the fight going!

Divorce can turn into a war if you CHOOSE for it to be. The main focus here is CHOICE.

In hindsight, I realise that Divorce is as expensive as the parties want it to be. Often, the cost of Divorce can supersede the assets and the wealth, and the couple erodes their wealth trying to satisfy their ego triggers. Ultimately the expense is borne out of the fight of battling egos, anger, conflict, hurt, and pain.

So, is Divorce expensive? Let me offer you a reality check. Divorce is not costly; the fight is, the lawyers’ fees are, hidden expenses are, and opportunity costs of time wasted in courts are expensive.

Divorce is not complicated. We choose to complicate it. Divorce is as expensive as you choose for it to be. The longer you fight, the longer you argue, the more you erode your wealth in the process.

Is it worthwhile eroding your wealth, the money you could be using for your children, on your future, on your personal growth, and your healing to fight each other? It is in someone else’s interest to get paid to keep you arguing in some cases, certainly not in your interest and certainly not in your children’s interest.

So, what are your alternatives? Let us talk about MEDIATION!

Yes, I heard the word before, but I certainly didn’t understand this process well enough to benefit from the merits, that is, until I studied to be a Family Law Mediator.

Sometimes, you must become the person you needed to help others on their journey. My divorce mediation indeed was not explained to me in this manner by the so-called mediators who attempted to settle my Divorce. An attorney attempted to mediate my Divorce using litigation techniques more than mediation techniques to resolve the dispute. Yes, the Evaluative Mediator will understand the law and use the law to guide you. 

Still, a good mediator will assess the situation and use the best approach to assist the couple empathetically and impartially.

Honestly, now that I know how a good mediator is supposed to work, I realise that the man was a poor mediator! The drive to make profits can corrupt even the ‘holiest’ of men, which is how he portrayed himself. “Hey, everyone has school fees to pay”, he said to me. There was no pre-mediation preparation, and the process was not followed as it should for a well-constructed mediation.

I could spend a lot of time listing the lack of mediation techniques applied in his rush to get paid. In fact, many of the service providers took one look at our home and thought, “Hello, School Fees!” for their kids. They could smell the anger, egos, fear and could easily see the lack of preparedness and knowledge when working with us. We were ripe and ready as lucrative customers.

Please do yourself a favour; whether you choose an attorney, advocate, or a mediator to Divorce, make sure they are helping you to get your child’s school fees secured and not only focusing on theirs.

It is easy to get disparaged about the process of Mediation when it is incorrect. Whilst Mediation is not regulated, there are accreditation bodies that attempt to have a standard by which Mediation is carried out consistently for the best interest of both parties. I am accredited locally and internationally to uphold the highest standards for myself and my clients. I want to be the person I never had when I was divorced.

 So, What is Mediation?

Mediation benefits are not understood if you don’t know what Mediation is.

Mediation can be defined as:

•   a voluntary process,
• entered into by agreement between the parties to a dispute,
• in which an impartial and independent person, the mediator,
• assists the parties to either resolve the conflict between them,
• or identify issues upon which agreement can be reached,
• or explore areas of compromise, or generate options to resolve the dispute, or clarify priorities,
• by facilitating discussions between the parties and assisting them in their negotiations to resolve the dispute.

Embarking on the Mediation process to settle Family Disputes is contrary to what we are programmed to believe.

Our paradigms and frames tell us that “Divorce is expensive”, “Divorce is hard”, “Divorce is complicated”, “We need a lawyer to get divorced”, “We need to get back at the spouse for the trauma and anguish that they caused in our lives”.

Divorce does not need to be any of the above. You can get a settled Divorce using a good mediator or an attorney specialising in collaborative divorces in a fraction of the time and the cost it would cost to litigate. These are the most significant benefits.

Costs for a contested divorce escalates substantially. Not just direct costs of the legal practitioner, but indirect costs escalate too. Indirect costs such as moving homes, therapy, healing, and additional court appearances may result from the Divorce.

Uncontested divorces via Mediation usually can be settled in 4-6 sessions, if not less, depending on the party’s willingness to have an open mind, preparedness and being collaborative in the process.

Remember, NOBODY WINS IN A DIVORCE. Life will not be the same as when you were married. Compromising will need to take place. The alternative? Contest, fight, lose money, and be unhappy. Conflict like this affects your children, the ability to move on, future relationships, work, etc.

Is it worth it? If you consider your energy as currency, think about all the lost currency, monetary and energetically, that you lose in this process. Noting that a contested divorce can sometimes take 4-6 years to conclude. Also, noting that most divorces end in a settlement in most cases.

I have endured this anguish, and I can safely say I don’t think it is worth the money wasted trying to leave your spouse. Use the money to heal and grow, instead.